The Crocodile Hunter
by Lord Brocktree
Summary: The Crocodile Hunter goes to Hogwarts
1. The first meeting

Disclaimer I do not own Harry Potter or Steve Irwin.

  


"Hello! And welcome to the Crocodile Hunter! Today we will take a look at the rare and mysterious world of the British Wizard!"

"Crikey! Look 'ere comes one now. Looks like females, oh my gosh they're congregating to talk in their mysterious way, lets listen in." says Steve as he creeps in closer.

"Did you get the Quibbler today?"

"Eeeeee! Oh yes!"

"Blimey! Almost made me go deaf! Still not as bad as..... oh well lets listen some more."

"I thought the article was interesting."

"Oh who cares? Which boy do you like?"

"Ron Weasly!"

"Harry Potter."

"Neville Longbottem."

"Neville Longbottem, you like Neville Longbottem!"

"Crikey, can't understand a word a they said, but that one, who just spoke sounded a little shocked, and she looked the part too."

"Looks like they're movin' off, lets follow."

As Steve moves off the camera man follows, but trips.

"Over here, hurry, and be quiet!" wispered Steve.

"Huh? What was that?"

"Dunno, probably nothing come on or we'll be late for Double Potions with Slyterin., you know Snape 'ill take of ten points each if we're late."

"That was close, join us tomorrow for more female wizards were we'll be going to something called Potions."


	2. Potions

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Steve Irwin.

  


"Welcome back! We've followed our witches, witches are female wizards, as wizards are only male, to Potions, whatever that is lets listen in."

"Attention class today we will be making a boil cure potion, look up on the board to find the ingredients."

"Yes Miss Granger."

"Professor Snape, haven't we learned this already?"

"Yes! Miss Granger we are reviewing for your O.W.L.S., since some of us, didn't learn it."

"As primitive as they may seem, they have developed to the middle-ages. And the adult wizard seem to not like the clumsy one. He's already poked him self with the porcupine quill twice."

"Mr. Potter will you please tell the class what is so funny?"

"Oh, err...... nothing."

"Good, then if you find nothing funny I suppose you'll find doing nothing at detention very funny."

"For what?!"

"For disrupting the class, and ten points from Gryffindor for questioning a teacher. Now everyone please hand me your potions, I will give you them back tomorrow to test them."

Brrrrrring!

"Crikey! That just about scared the livin' daylights out of me!"

"Who's there?"

"Hurry that adult looks mad lets run!"

"Stop! Who are you?"

"Crikey, I'm out of breath! Looks like everyone is going to eat dinner! Let go find out their eating habits, but only next episode!"

"YOU! WHO ARE YOU?"

"Crikey!"


	3. Eating Habits, maybe

I don't own Harry Potter or Steve Irwin

  


"Well today we get to see their eating habits, CRIKEY! THEIR FOOD JUST APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE!"

"YOU! YOU WERE IN MY POTIONS CLASS. WHO ARE YOU?"

"Crikey! Time to run!"

"Whew! What a run he gave me!"

"Looks like they're going someplace. Let's follow the one called Mr. Potter."

"Looks like they're talking to a picture, CRIKEY! THE BLASTED PICTURE TALKED BACK! Better keep my voice down."

"Looks like they were led into a secret passage, they said Quidditch? Oh well, I'm gonna go talk to a painting and say a made up word. This place is weird!"

"Quidditch. What do ya know it's a room, looks like no one is looking, better hide behind that bookcase."

"Crikey! The blasted pieces of chess are talking back!"

"Looks like the witches and wizards are talking to one another, lets listen in."

"Who do you think is that man?" said Mr. Potter

"Dunno, but ya know he sorta looked like Steve Irwin." said Miss Granger.

"They know me? Better keep listenin'."

"Who?"

"He's a muggle on television."

"Telebision? What's that?"

"Television, Ron, its what muggles use for entertainment, you can watch stuff on it."

"Huh?" said Ron.

"Oh never mind. I'm going to bed."

"Me too."

"Me *yawns* who."

"Well, it looks like they're going to bed, lets go look in the male's room."

"Looks like they sleep in four-"

"IT'S THAT WEIRDO! HE'S IN HERE! HELP!"

"Crikey! Run!"


	4. Killers school for pschopaths and mental...

Disclaimer: this is getting old I DO NOT! Own Harry Potter or Steve Irwin.

  


Before we launch into another funny story (I hope) I want to Thank You, everyone who reviewed my story, most of you liked it! Yea!

  


"Crikey! Hurry up! They've got some sort of stick out no- WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!?! THE BLOOMING STICKS SHOT OUT A YELLOW LIGHT THAT BLEW UP THAT SUIT OF ARMOR! Are you getting Terri? (Terri is his wife, I had to visit a website to figure out that, I dunno if she is his camera man ,or woman, but she is in this story.)

Blam! A suit of armor exploded just as Steve and Terri ran past!

"Wuh? What's going on here- POTTER FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR SHOOTING A SPELL AT A TEACHER AND WE'RE GOING TO DUMBLE-"

"It's not you I'm aiming for, it's that weirdo!"

"OH, IN THAT CASE!" said the adult as he pulled out his stick.

"CRIKEY THE ADULT NEARLY BLEW MY 'EAD OFF!"

"PROFESSOR SNAPE!"

"WHAT POTTER?!?!"

"THAT MAN'S A MUGGLE, NAMED STEVE IRWIN!"

"Terri, look a corner, I remember that there was a tapestry of fruit hanging down with suits of armor around front, lets get behind the suits!"

"Ok Steve!"

(I will now call the people by the name Steve knows them by from listening.)

"STEVE IRWIN, COME OUT!", yelled Snape.

"Professor Snape I think he went that way!"

(If there is no said by or whatever, and if it's a new person, it's an unidentified person.)

"Thank you Mr. Longbottem. Now if you say strait ahead I will be going the other way."

"But Profes-"

"Ten points from Griffindor fo questioning a teacher."

"Yes Professor."

"Everyone this way!"

"Crikey! They almost got me! Oh my! Look at this artwork!" he says as his finger brushes the pear.

"What the, the picture rolled up, there's a stair case, lets go!"

"What the Devils are they, they look like Santa's Elves, pointy ears, short, makin' stuff, just not toys, but food!"

"Dobby not a Santa Elf, Dobby a House Elf."

"You know what Terri, I'm not even gonna be shocked, I half expected 'em to grow wings and eat my 'ead."

"No, Dobby wouldn't do that, now Winky, when she gets drunk, she might try to eat your head, she attacked Dumbledore with a frying pan one time, oh Dobby is being rude, would you like some tea and crumpets?"

"Sure, if you'll answer a few questions."

"Of course, Dobby will answer your questions!"

"Here you go sir." said an unidentified Elf.

"Thank you."

"Now Nobby, not nis nis nace?"

"Could master please repeat that?"

"Sorry, was chewing, bad manners, What is this place?"

"Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Ok, that's not as bad as I thought it might be, Killers school of psychopaths and mentally deranged people."


	5. Sticks and lights may break my bones

Disclaimer: "Of Course I own Harry Potter, but still not Steve Irwin", sniffs the air, "Lawyers," suddenly hundreds appear and threaten with law suits, " Look guys it was a joke, I don't own Harry Potter! And still not Steve Irwin!"

  


"Dobby wonders why you would think that?"

"Fer one thing PEOPLE SHOOT LIGHTS THAT BLOW THINGS UP OUT OF STICKS!"

"They aren't sticks, they're wands."

"Oh, ok, Terri just take that frying pan and hit me real hard on the head."

"No master mustn't do that! I shall call Professor Dumbledore!"

"What the hic heck if hic he wants to hic die let hic him hic."

"Who is he?"

"_She_ is Winky."

"Don't eat my head!" said Steve as he covered his head.

"I'm not hungry yet hic."

"Master, Dobby must take Winky to the room of requirements, you must go, here take some brownies and crumpets and go."

"But the wizards are out there trying to get me!"

"GO!"

Even as Dobby and some other Elves pushed him out he still protested untill he heard a voice, Miss Granger's.

"Hello Malfoy what do you want?"

"I'm a prefect just like you, mudblood, so I'm looking for that Weirdo."

"Look Malfoy, he has a name, Steve."

"He's just a muggle, so what should I care, just like you."

"Looks like Miss Granger, or is her name Mudblood? Went over there, let follow, that evil one would probably kill me. Let's follow her!"

"Hermione what's wrong?"

"It's Draco, he called me a mudblood again." said Miss Granger/Mudblood/Hermione.

"It's ok, your with me now."

"Oh my God! The wizards seem to be doing a mating ritual! I can barley contain my excitement! Terri are you getting this?"

"Yes Steve, I can hardly contain my excitement too!"

"Oh Harry!"

"Looks like they're moving closer now!"

"Harry I lo-"

"Harry! Where are you? Hermione!"

"Ron! Why does he have to be over here now?!?!" whispered Harry.

"Sigh. Ron! We're over here!" said Hermione.

"There you are! Dumbledore wants us in the Great Hall."

"For what Ron?" asked Harry.

"Something about the weirdo in the school, I think that we'll have a repeat of what happened when Siruis came here.

"Hurry though, Dumbledore is going to a speach.


	6. The End?

Disclaimer: I am a robot Lord Brocktree programed to say the disclaimer, he got tired of saying it. I do not own Harry Potter, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. Dangit it broke, oh well, I do not own Harry Potter or Steve Irwin, Thank God!

  


"We are in the Great Hall, I think that is what they called it. Looks like Dumblydoris is giving a speach."

"Hello Hogwarts, there is a muggle named Steve Irwin, or the Crocodile Hunter, he is a man who goes with a _camera,_ the camera which could film us to give to the rest of the muggles, which could start a war, muggles with they're nuclear weapons, we could do nothing but die. Your parents may not think you are ready to know this, but I think you are." with a wave of his wand sleeping bags appeared. "We do not know what he wants, so, Prefects make sure no one leaves the Great Hall, if any one notices Steve please alert a teacher."

"Hermione, come here, tell Ron to look over there and you'll look over here."

"Why Harry?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Ok Harry."

"Ron, how about you look over there, it looks like there is no one over there."

"Ok Hermione!"

"Hermione, I-I-I lov-"

"POTTER! GET IN A SLEEPING BAG WITH GRIFFINDOR! YOU'VE JUST LOST TEN POINTS FOR THEM! NOW!

"Hermione, I'll be over there, so when your done go there."

"Harry, I love you."

"I know."

"NOW POTTER!" said Snape as he grabbed him.

"My God! Mr. Potter seems to have chosen Miss Granger/Mudblood/Hermione as his mate! Terri did you get that?!?!"

"Yes Steve! That was some of the best footage yet!"

"Professor Snape, there is the weirdo."

"Oh, no he-"

  


Days Later

  


"Where are we Terri?"

"I dunno Steve, but the Camera got no film. Oh no we've got to get to Madagascar In two days!

"Lets go!"

  


The End!


End file.
